I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
