I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
