How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Randomize
