Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
