It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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