Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
