Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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