i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
