Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
