a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
