I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Randomize
