I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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