I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Randomize
