He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
