you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I got her a Nickelback box set.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
