Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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