using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Randomize
