we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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