I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
