Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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