I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
