I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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