3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
True strength comes from lack of pants
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
