I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Randomize
