I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Randomize
