Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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