and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
