She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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