if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
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