I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
