She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
ttyl tear gas
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
