just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
