I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Randomize
