At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
