Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
