I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
