last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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