I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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