im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Randomize
