we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
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