Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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