I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
