i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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