Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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