I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
In America we eat man semen.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
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