I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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