Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
