The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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