You just made me feel so damn special
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
what day is it and did you see me today?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
