Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
